know more about myself...

　　　
　　　I think this whole week I were quite different form the normal “I.” I lost something, something important, essential, and soulful. Thus everything became boring and dull, or I should say, I became not interested in everything. Lack of enthusiasm really isolates me from the brisk life around me. All my source of happiness, laugh, and hope seemed gone away. Why? Well, it seems that the reason was so much that I can contribute my “cold” to everything. It sounds ironically, right? Everything that I was not interested in became the reasons why I was not interested in them!
　　　
　　　Last Monday I had a little quarrel with my boyfriend. That was a terrible day; maybe just like I said in my last journal, I had so many thing or presentation to do in the whole week. Besides, everything actually was out of my control. I hate, hate that suddenly something popped out and broke my routine! I am a routine person and I don’t want to pursue any surprise in my life. Ok, last Monday was so “surprisingly” that I really didn’t feel well. Keeping that in my mind, I told my boyfriend that night. However what I got was not comfort or sympathy, but blame. (Well, in that time I thought it was blame.) Now everything seems all right, but I know that still something wrong in my mind…　

　　　“You didn’t have enough strength to resist the pressure.” That’s what he said to me. And finally I found that I was not as strong as I thought. I always regard myself as a resolute and strong girl. But that was denied by the one who closed to me. This semester, I was denied by so many people, and now the value I build for myself broken. How can I live without my self-value? What I want, what I pursue, and what I am became the endless question strike in my mind, and the worst is that I don’t know the answer… Professor Chiang once said that “you win some, and you will lose some.” I don’t have to be the one who stand in front of sixty-eight students, three TA plus professor Kai-lin to debate. I win the chance which won’t lose my face in public, don’t need to prepare the heavy information, and wouldn’t feel scare to face the classmate whom I thought the best students in FLLD 101. But I lose the chance to compete with them, too. I lose the chance which I can make a big progress through this debate and also lose the unique experience which sixty-four people won’t get.

　　　It sounds so contradictory, right? Yea, I am always a self-contradiction person. I can’t make a decision each time I need to. Nor can I figure out my answer toward the dilemma. There’s no absolutely “yes” or “no” in my dictionary. Complaining, not knowing what to do, losing the chance again and again and then regret is the only things in my dictionary. Now I have neither self-conceit nor self-deceit, what do I have?