know more about myself...

　　　
　　　I think this whole week I were quite different form the normal “I.” I lost something, something important, essential, and soulful. Thus everything became boring and dull, or I should say, I became not interested in everything. Lack of enthusiasm really isolates me from the brisk life around me. All my source of happiness, laugh, and hope seemed gone away. Why? Well, it seems that the reason was so much that I can contribute my “cold” to everything. It sounds ironically, right? Everything that I was not interested in became the reasons why I was not interested in them!
　　　
　　　Last Monday I had a little quarrel with my boyfriend. That was a terrible day; maybe just like I said in my last journal, I had so many thing or presentation to do in the whole week. Besides, everything actually was out of my control. I hate, hate that suddenly something popped out and broke my routine! I am a routine person and I don’t want to pursue any surprise in my life. Ok, last Monday was so “surprisingly” that I really didn’t feel well. Keeping that in my mind, I told my boyfriend that night. However what I got was not comfort or sympathy, but blame. (Well, in that time I thought it was blame.) Now everything seems all right, but I know that still something wrong in my mind…　

　　　“You didn’t have enough strength to resist the pressure.” That’s what he said to me. And finally I found that I was not as strong as I thought. I always regard myself as a resolute and strong girl. But that was denied by the one who closed to me. This semester, I was denied by so many people, and now the value I build for myself broken. How can I live without my self-value? What I want, what I pursue, and what I am became the endless question strike in my mind, and the worst is that I don’t know the answer… Professor Chiang once said that “you win some, and you will lose some.” I don’t have to be the one who stand in front of sixty-eight students, three TA plus professor Kai-lin to debate. I win the chance which won’t lose my face in public, don’t need to prepare the heavy information, and wouldn’t feel scare to face the classmate whom I thought the best students in FLLD 101. But I lose the chance to compete with them, too. I lose the chance which I can make a big progress through this debate and also lose the unique experience which sixty-four people won’t get.

　　　It sounds so contradictory, right? Yea, I am always a self-contradiction person. I can’t make a decision each time I need to. Nor can I figure out my answer toward the dilemma. There’s no absolutely “yes” or “no” in my dictionary. Complaining, not knowing what to do, losing the chance again and again and then regret is the only things in my dictionary. Now I have neither self-conceit nor self-deceit, what do I have?

nicky's presentation week

　　　I decided that if Monday’s General Education course is coincident my turn to have a presentation, I’ll call this week “Nicky’s presentation week.” I have reasons, of course to name this week. Monday’s Freshman English is our group’s turn to do the presentation, but besides the normal presentation, we surprisingly know that our group will have a small debate with group five. That’s really shock all of us. We have the less time than other groups but still need to make a good content power point and presentation, and also have to prepare a debate! That’s the most difficult paper I meet since I enter NCKU…
　　　
　　　First of all, I already thought that our topic is not well developed compared with other groups’. The first group is talked about anorexia, how wonderful topic!! I love this kind of topic so much because I really interested in anorexia. I borrowed so many books about anorexia for this disease is really mysterious. The patients are also human beings, they are normal just like us. But what kinds of thoughts make them want to go diet, even not to eat anything? Then the second and third topic is talked about “hero” and “police office.” My brother is a police officer works in Taipei now, and hero is a topic which we can well-developed. What’s more, one of my favorite English songs is named “Hero,” so I really like these topics so much…
　　　
　　　But our topic is women athletes. God, I never have interest in sports! I seldom exercise thus I actually don’t understand the sports rules or the famous athletes, not to mentioned now we need to explore deep into the mental of athletes. Everyday we have to discuss the questions about three or four hours. And until last Friday, I lost in the finger-guessing game, which means that I am the one who need to debate in public…Oh, how poor I am. This is totally a chance for me to lose face, embarrassed and stammer in front of everyone! Although I once joined the debate club in my senior high school, I still can’t act and think very quickly when I have debate with someone. Now I have six minutes to debate with someone and the most difficult part is in English! I am sure that God is punishing me because I show an arrogant attitude in recently discussion and think that I am the effective person in my group. Now God want me to feel sorry about my attitude.
　　　
　　　Ok, I’ll be fine eventually. To lose face actually is not a big deal and sarcastically, I am not very familiar with other classmates. Also my boyfriend didn’t sit there and I’m no interested in any boy in my class. So I don’t have to worry about there’s anyone will remember my fault or tease me or even look down on me. I believe that if the situation change and it’s they that stand on the stage they’ll have the bad perform just like me. Come on, after this time, I’ll have a perfect performance in the future and this experience must be a special one.

the perfect banquet

　　　Last Saturday I went to my cousin’s wedding banquet with my mom and some of my relatives. We rented a bus because the wedding is in a small town of Chunghwa, and set out from Kaohsiung at nine o’clock. I’m always looking forward to eat the foods in the banquet for they are quite different from those foods we ate in our daily life. Not to mention it was my cousin’s wedding banquet, we guys were usually become very crazy because we get alone with each other well. Especially that means we’ll have a new member in our family. I waked up early that day to dress up, eat a little breakfast, and then went to take the bus with my mom.
　　　
　　　However, the trip didn’t go as easy as what I expected. At first, I thought that Chunghwa was near, so we won’t need to spend too much time to arrive at the destination. I bring nothing but one textbook and one Business Weekly and my MP3. Unexpectedly, only one of my other cousins went to this banquet, the rest were all aunts, uncles, and my grandpa and grandma. That means I, who is still a university student, would not have anyone to chat or talk or play with!! Suddenly it seemed that the trip had lost a half of fun I expected. Without my cousins, I just slept, waked up, slept, and waked up, the excitement became boredom. And the time on the bus became longer, too.
　　　
　　　Fortunately, we arrived at the destination on time, twelve o’clock. I got off the bus quickly for I felt that I was going to vomit. But what I ate later made me forgot all of the unhappy things. It was a sea food restaurant, so the first food is sashimi, which is differ from the traditional mullet roe. Then the follow up foods were also distinct from the foods in a banquet we usually had. For example, the king crab, the au gratin soap, small cakes for dessert, and the most impressive one, pure vintage, which is made by the bride’s father. All of them were surprised me and I kept guessing that what’s the next. What’s more, it was my first time to drink wine. I drank a sip of it and my throat was like burning on the fire. Everyone enjoyed the food and blushed due to the wine.
　　　
　　　We went back as soon as the banquet was end. Of course I still have nothing to do but sleep, reading and watch the scenes, (actually just expressway), outside the window. But I was satisfied and there’s no hatred, impatience and boredom any more. I listened to my relatives singing the KTV, echoing or chatting with each other. “How lucky I am to born in such a nice family!” I thought. They promised that when the grapes are mature, we will hire a bus, and go there again. At that time everyone must be present, and I believe that we’ll all have wonderful memories, just like what I have now.